Post-Relics of the Republic

[notallofus]

It's good to be home again, and, oddly enough, on the newly-repurposed Phoenix Home, too. Kanan feels less exposed, which he wasn't expecting. But support, back-up, and more people on the lookout for important resources means somewhat less scrambling, and the odds can be stacked a little higher before doom is a foregone conclusion.

He guesses, anyway. But --

But he also feels sick to his stomach. There are clones on board, and although they're older than the ones he saw last -- Grey and Styles, Soot and Big-Mouth -- but maybe that's what his soldiers -- his friends would have grown into, if they'd been given the chance. If they hadn't betrayed -- no, they'd been betrayed, no matter how it looked from the outside. If Rex is right . . .

It's so hard to hold onto that, though. Harder than he wants it to be. They're good men, Rex and Wolfe and Gregor, but they've got the faces of his nightmares, and that's . . .

Maybe if he gets out of his own head a little, maybe . . . maybe that'll make this better. Somehow. Which is why he pulls himself away from the mess and goes looking for Hera. She'll be on the Ghost, he knows, and --

And that's probably better for him, too. More hands always help turn a slapdash field repair into something that'll last.

Comments

[for_everyone]

"I should run a diagnostic," Hera says, again waiting until Kanan - well, stops babbling.

"But I can do that from up here."

[notallofus]

"Should I . . . uh. Follow you?"

Awkwardly around the cabin, while she initiates the diagnostics?

[for_everyone]

"Maybe put the floor panel back on?" she suggests. "This'll just take a second."

To start the diagnostics, anyway.

[notallofus]

"Right!"

I can do that, Kanan thinks, but works hard not to say out loud.

And then he hefts the floor panel back into position, steadying it with a minor application of the Force, just so he doesn't close his fingertips in. They don't exactly have bacta to spare right now, either.

He stands back up immediately afterward, stretching out his back. It passes the time, and is less awkward that just standing there like a lump.

Marginally.

[for_everyone]

Hera, meanwhile, walks over to the nearby port to set in the diagnostic. Chopper could do this faster, but it doesn't take Hera that much longer to set in the tests she wants to run. Enough to confirm her own conclusion that the repairs they've made will hold long enough for them to get - some replacement parts, anyway.

Then, she walks back over to Kanan.

"I have to stay here until the tests are done."

She doubts she has to add, Why don't you wait with me.

[notallofus]

"I'll keep you company," he says, then tries to make sure he's leaning against an out-of-the-way wall. Well, away from any displays and useful blinking lights, that is.

"So. Uh. You doing all right? It was . . . a busy day."

Understatement. But that's true for a lot of days, lately.

[for_everyone]

Hera steps up next to him, also leaning against the wall, her lekku swaying in front of her.

"I guess we should've figured this, from what Ahsoka said."

[notallofus]

Kanan folds his arms in front of him, tilting his head back to look up toward the ceiling.

"I guess I was hoping it wasn't, at least up until we got on the planet. Then it was . . . kind of inevitable."

Before that, too, if he's honest, but.

[for_everyone]

"I don't know what to tell you, Kanan."

Hera folds her arms. "I can't imagine what it would be like to see the faces of people who hurt you, and everyone close to you, and have to tell yourself it wasn't them. But -"

Well. It wasn't them.

[notallofus]

"It's driving me crazy. Because like I said, they're good men, and I know that, I saw that, and at the same time, when I see them move out of the corner of my eye, or hear them talking, I'm right back there again, when I was . . . "

He trails off, scrubbing his hand over his face.

"Pushing it down again isn't going to help in the long run, but in the short run I . . . I don't know what to do."

[for_everyone]

"I didn't want to put you back there."

Hera takes a deep breath, briefly closing her eyes as she considers what she's about to say. "But I can't imagine what this must be like for them, either."

[notallofus]

"An echo, probably," Kanan says, rubbing at his face again. "Maybe even a good one, at first."

He looks up at Hera, shaking his head.

"They called me General. They seemed happy to do it. But now that the adrenaline's gone and the battle's over . . . yeah. I don't know how they are."

[for_everyone]

Hera keeps her eyes down, silent for a long moment as she thinks over his words.

"After the war, my father - we would've been crushed without the Republic, but he'd known even then they might come to occupy us instead. He never forgot that."

Her voice goes a little quieter. "He'd hated the idea of the clones. He couldn't understand who would manufacture soldiers, rather than fighting for themselves."

[notallofus]

"Yeah, I -- at the time I didn't think about it. It's just how things were, on the front. But -- "

He folds his arms more tightly against himself, exhaling.

"What did you think of them? When they were stilll . . . you know. Around."

[for_everyone]

"I'm not sure I really understood it during the war."

She finally glances back up to him, and then down again, drawing those images up from her mind.

"They were the ones it was safer to be around, they fought the droids and sometimes brought supplies. Besides that - they were just people. Offworlders, like the others."

[notallofus]

"It was easier to differentiate them from each other up close. They all had . . . names, and patterns on the armor, and they sometimes got tattoos . . . "

He trails off again.

"I guess exactly like offworlders. Or maybe any-worlders."

Kanan swallows.

"And, I mean. What do you think of them now?"

[for_everyone]

"They ultimately protected you. Stood up against the Empire."

Now, she does meet his eyes. "And I think we have to trust that it was what they wanted to do."

[notallofus]

He huffs out a breath, forcing his arms to relax. It takes a minute, but he does lower them down to his sides.

"Yeah, it was definitely what they wanted to do. I just want to add a 'this time' to it, and that's . . . I know it's not fair."

Kanan swallows again, determinedly plowing forward. He'll get past this. He will.

"Do you know, yet, how you -- and Sato, and Ahsoka, I guess -- are planning to integrate them into Phoenix Squadron?"

[for_everyone]

She keeps her eyes on him.

"As much or as little as they'd want, I'd guess. Ahsoka knew them, right? Maybe she'll... "

Have a better idea of what they need? How to handle this? Hera really isn't sure.

[notallofus]

Kanan scrubs his hand through his hair, tilting his head back.

"Maybe, yeah. She'd definitely be one to ask. Maybe they'll even tell her. But -- "

He trails off again.

"It's a place to start, anyway."

[for_everyone]

She lifts her eyes, tilting her head back.

"The whole thing makes me a little uncomfortable, too."

[notallofus]

Kanan winces.

"Yeah, sorry. I -- Do you want to talk about it?"

[for_everyone]

"I just mean, they never really had a choice in all this."

She hesitates, briefly, to say what she's thinking. But there's no point in softening it. "They were the Republic's slaves. More than that, they'd never known anything else, right? From the time they were born, when they were children, all they did was..."

Hera straightens from the wall, her words slowing as a realization that has nothing to do with the clones lights up her mind.

She closes her eyes. Her voice goes quiet. "Shit."

[notallofus]

He's listening to Hera, thinking back about the clones. They always seemed like adults, to him, even though . . . now that he thinks about it, they were probably the same age. Just . . . he can't imagine himself fighting a war at ten, or eleven, or --

Damn.

Then Hera closes her eyes, and Kanan shoots up straight from where he's leaning against the wall, looking toward Hera with a furrowed brow.

"What?'

He tries not to snap, and it mostly works.

"What did you just think of?"

[for_everyone]

Hera shakes her head, her eyes flickering open again, as she tries to recenter her thoughts.

"It's just - something else -"