After the hallway fight, like right after

[notallofus]

It helps, a little, that, as they turn off the main corridor of the command ship, the door opens up into somewhere that's not full of military types.

But it's still a problem.

Kanan can feel his neck muscles tightening, his stomach clenching down with the weight of bad memories. He hates being at odds with Hera, hates it utterly, but --

But this --

He can't be okay with this. He wouldn't know how, even if he wanted to try. (And he doesn't want to try at all.)

Maybe Hera can tell, because she doesn't make a move to stop him, keeping pace with him as he strides through the cantina part, and out the back door.

Kanan only starts slowing down when they reach the far edge of the lake, taking a deep breath and turning around. Finally.

He still hasn't figured out what he wants to say.

Comments

[notallofus]

Kanan scrubs one hand through his hair, his gaze, too, falling down and away.

He doesn't want to hurt Hera, either, and this -- he knows he's turning it into something like an ultimatum, even as he's trying not to. So, right. Begin again. Try --

Something different.

"So you think this is where we belong? Right in the middle of the fight, front and center."

[for_everyone]

Hera takes a deep breath, then lets it out.

"If that's what's best for our cause, then yes."

[notallofus]

"But how do you tell?"

He looks up at her at that, hands folding across his midsection, not least so he doesn't cross them over his chest. Too confrontational, and he can tell that, even if his words aren't . . . they really aren't as controlled as he might like them to be.

"What about this feels right to you? I can't see it."

[for_everyone]

Hera unfolds her arms, pressing one hand to her forehead.

"Kanan -" She lowers her hand, and her eyes flash up. "- what do you think we've been doing? What has this been up until now to you?"

[notallofus]

"Not military work, I'll tell you that."

But . . . wasn't it? They used the same skillsets for skirmishes during the war, interrupting supply lines . . . No. No. It's different.

[for_everyone]

Another sharp breath, and then -

"All right, we were smaller before - but what did you think this was leading toward? Did you think we'd be knocking off Imperial shipments for the rest of our lives? Did you think that's all this would come to?

[notallofus]

"Maybe I did!"

Kanan doesn't shout it, but there's emphasis in that last word, a heavy one. He exhales sharply a moment later, though, rubbing at his face. If anyone doesn't deserve to be the target of his formless ire, it's definitely Hera.

"Or I didn't think that far ahead."

[for_everyone]

She's quiet, for a lingering moment.

"Well, I did," she says, her voice even.

"You knew what I was in this for. You knew that when you shipped out with me."

[notallofus]

He winces.

She's right.

"I thought it was more a guiding principle than . . . than something that would actually happen!"

He can't look at her when he says that, though. Because it's not entirely true.

[for_everyone]

Hera's eyes narrow.

"If that's true, then you couldn't have taken me very seriously."

[notallofus]

"You really think that?"

He's looking at her again, because he couldn't quite help himself.

"You were the first person that made me think maybe it wasn't over, maybe we weren't all beaten down and ready to give up. That made me want to not give up."

Not take her seriously. She was the only serious thing.

"I just . . . I thought it would take longer. Or we'd be dead before it got this far, or -- "

He swallows hard and drops his gaze again.

"I just didn't see it as an all-out war. Not like this."

[for_everyone]

Hera doesn't look away, but her lekku tense as he speaks.

She doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't know how he can't see it. She doesn't raise her voice, but there's a tremble of frustration as she speaks.

"It was always a war, Kanan."

[notallofus]

He flinches, arms coming up so he can grab onto both elbows and hold on.

"I can't -- "

Kanan breaks off, exhaling sharply and turning his head even further away. His eyes are closed, and maybe he's trying to reach for his center, or maybe --

Maybe there isn't one to find. Not right now.

"I can't be a soldier again. I can't."

[for_everyone]

Hera also looks away, lifting her hands and resting them on her hips.

"Then don't be a soldier."

She shakes her head. "But I can't drop out of this."

[notallofus]

Kanan inhales sharply, then goes still.

"I don't want to leave you."

It escapes him before he's ready for it, but it's also true, so --

"I don't want to be a soldier, but I don't want to leave you. And I don't know how to make that work."

[for_everyone]

"Well I can't fix this for you!"

Now her voice does rise. She'd already pushed herself though the losing Kanan, having to go on without him, and through every side coming after her for it, and she's not ready - she can't -

"Aren't you the Jedi? If you leave this now, what are you?"

[notallofus]

"Not blind!" Kanan returns, louder than he means to, because what's running through his mind is coward coward coward and that's not what this is, it isn't.

"Still a Jedi. We were soldiers during the war, even Generals, and we missed everything the Emperor was doing. Everything. The Order used people as things for the war effort, and they didn't let themselves see, and I won't. I can't."

He takes a breath.

"I'll fight, because that's what this is now. You're right. But I won't be a soldier. I won't . . . "

[for_everyone]

Hera turns away from him as he speaks. She moves her arms, pressing her right tight to her chest, and lifting her left hand to cover her mouth.

And it's a long moment before she speaks. She takes a few breaths, perhaps trying to steady herself, to calm that spike of panic.

Still, when she moves her hand from her mouth, when she does speak, her voice is low.

"You're not the only one who remembers the Clone Wars, Kanan."

[notallofus]

The noise in his head goes silent.







Shit.

He turns toward her, a new tension unspooling in his stomach.

"I -- I know, Hera."

A beat. A breath.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't -- "

[for_everyone]

"Without the Jedi, I'd be dead."

She doesn't look back to him.

"So you have to figure this out, because I can't -"

Hera breaks off, lifting her hand again, pressing her fingers over her eyes.

[notallofus]

"Hera. Hera."

He moves over toward her, definitely not panicking. Reaching for her shoulders seems like a terrible plan, but he can't not touch her, trying to offer comfort when he's the one that ripped it away in the first place.

"I didn't mean -- I'm not leaving. I'll figure out how to -- to -- I'll do what I need to in order to feel right about staying. About what role I take in this, if it's anything beyond being a Spectre. If you still -- "

[for_everyone]

Hera jolts when he touches her. She's not sure why - it's like being abruptly woken from a dream.

But she doesn't move away. Instead, she turns back, lowering her hand from her face. She doesn't look up at him, but she keeps stepping toward him, like she'll walk into him, a silent signal of permission for him to reach for her again.

[notallofus]

"Hera."

He should sound more uncertain, he thinks. He should feel more uncertain.

But instead he rests his hands on her shoulders, sliding down her arms a little ways before he moves them back up again, one hand lifting to cup the side of her face. Not to make her look up, or even to ask, but -- just to feel her skin.

To know they're both still here.

[for_everyone]

She stays still under his touch, at first, then lifts her hands as he lifts his, reaching out along the sides of his arms. She leans in as he touches her face, closing her eyes for a moment. Up along his left arm, her fingers curl, tightening around the fabric of his sleeve.

Softly -

"Okay."

[notallofus]

The tension knotting in his stomach slides into freefall, and he, too, closes his eyes, leaning in, the hand not on her face sliding down across her back, pressing just enough to feel the strength of her ribs.

"Okay," he echoes.

And then his mouth presses lightly against hers, and he isn't saying anything anymore.

[for_everyone]

Hera presses back, at once.

There's no surprise, no hesitation. She closes her eyes, and her hands move up, now taking hold on his shoulders, so that she can pull herself up to him.

[notallofus]

It's instinctive for Kanan to support that motion, leaning in and down even as Hera lifts herself up.

His breath is coming quickly now, skin prickling to life, and it adds restlessness to the movement of his hand across her back, the sweep of his thumb across her cheekbone.

[for_everyone]

His leaning forward gives Hera the leverage to encircle her arms around his shoulders, and to fully shift her weight into him. Her breathing also quickens, and at first she presses that tension into her fingers, her arms, her grip on him.

But then, finally, she has to break off. She doesn't pull away, but turns her head down, still resting her face against his, still keeping her eyes closed, and breathing deeply.

[notallofus]

Kanan matches her breathing, long and deep, because --

Because --

He doesn't want to let go of her, and he wants to know if they're okay, and he wants --

He turns his head a little, enough so that he can press his lips against her forehead, and keeps on breathing. Just for a minute.

[for_everyone]

She keeps her eyes closed, her breath beginning to slow as a few seconds pass. Hera doesn't to let go either, and at first, she leans readily against him as he turns his head.

But then, though she keeps her arms around his shoulders, her weight rested against him, Hera's eyes do flutter open. She shifts her head just slightly, so that she can look up to him.

[notallofus]

He leans back in response to the shift of her skin against his, looking back at her after a moment. There's nothing hesitant in it, just . . .

Waiting.

Wondering if they're about to step back from this, or --

[for_everyone]

Hera doesn't loosen her hold on him. Her eyes fall, and tilts her head forward, leaning her forehead to his chin.'

But she murmurs, "We were - on Phoenix Home -"

[notallofus]

Kanan leans forward, too, pressing back against her.

"We should probably get back," he agrees. "But this -- "

[for_everyone]

Hera lifts herself up, just long enough to press a quick kiss to the the corner of his mouth.

"We'll get back to this, love."

[notallofus]

The look on Kanan's face is caught between dumbstruck and pleased, and he lets himself really feel it for a moment. He also leans down and returns her kiss, just as quick, just as off-center, and reluctantly steps back.

"We'd better."

There's relief in his words, and he still can't help smiling, just for one second more.

[for_everyone]

Hera smiles back.

She also takes her time about relaxing her hold on his shoulders, and moving her hands back down.

But even once she's released him, she does take one of his hands in hers.

[notallofus]

It's nothing they haven't done before, holding hands, entwining their fingers, but --

It's different now. Just a little.

Just enough.

He'll only move to let go once they reach the front door, and the Phoenix Home beyond.