notallofus | (no subject)

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There's tension on the Ghost. Kanan isn't sure if Hera's contributing to it at all, or if it's just him and his awareness of how colossally he messed up. Letting Zeb bet Chopper was bad enough, but Calrissian sold Hera as the end consequence of Kanan's bad deal-making and it just --

He's not even sure it's something that can be fixed. (Should it be fixed? It is a truly epic fuckup.)

But since avoiding Hera's only going to make it worse, he makes his way to the cockpit once they've landed again, and he won't distract her from piloting.

"So, uh -- "

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He wants to say something about them hunting down that slaver scum, or at least putting the word out among their contacts, but --

Well. He can tell that isn't really the point. His stomach is still tight, and his brain is spinning endlessly, looking for a way to fix something, anything, but --

"It wasn't just circumstance, either, though. And I don't see why you can't be angry at me and Zeb."

"Because hurting you isn't going to make me feel better."

She looks away, her stance tighter, her lekku twitching in frustration. "And because I can't be your captain like that. What you did wrecked this crew, I can get angry at you for that. But this - "

But this isn't really just about that.

"It's personal," he says, and that's an understatement. This might not help, either, (nothing can really help), but --

It's probably better than silence. And he can't find it in himself to leave her completely alone.

"An old, old fear that you learned how to put out of the forefront of your mind, and now you can't."

Hera goes still, down to her lekku. When she speaks, even her voice is flat.

"It was easier when it was happening. I didn't have time to think about anything but getting off that ship. Getting us all to safety."

"Now all there is is time," Kanan says. His throat feels frozen.

"Until the next job."

She stays quiet, and still, for nearly a minute. But slowly, her fingers, still on the pilot's chair, begin to loosen.

"Azmorigan's a useless, easy mark of a crime lord," she says, her voice softer now. "I - I know it would've turned out like this, one way or another. And I know it shouldn't - it doesn't matter to me what a - lelg no krolp like that thinks of me."

Kanan exhales quietly.

“Except he’s not the only one, and while all of the rest are lelg no krolp, too, not everyone around them always realizes it.”

He wishes she didn’t have to. Hell, he wishes all Twi’leks didn’t have to, on some level, always be waiting for the next piece of shit to say something . . . well, shitty.

Edited 2018-04-14 01:29 (UTC)

"Sometimes I just feel like I'm outrunning it."

Her eyes fall, down to the ship's controls, but she's looking at them. Her lekku twist slightly, her fingers tightening on the chair again, but her voice stays steady.

"Like one day they'll finally come back, and - then they'll take me too."

Maybe yesterday, saying, ‘they won’t, or ‘we won’t let them’ would have meant something. Since they, in point of fact, did — today, not so much.

“We’d find you, if they did. And you’d probably get yourself out of there, first.”

"I don't know, Kanan."

She closes her eyes again, shakes her head, because that's not what she means to say. "I'm not asking you to comfort me. I know you'd come after me, I know I can fight back. But I'm not different from anyone who hasn't been found, or who can't escape. There's no reason for me to be here and them to be there."

“No, there isn’t,” Kanan agrees. “Because no one should be there. It’s random chance, and happenstance, and pure bad luck. None of it is a sign of worthiness, or of lack of worth. It’s just the wrong place, the wrong time, the wrong company.”

He spreads his hands helplessly.

“It’s the same reason I’m here and not Master Depa, or Master Secura, or General Kenobi. Blind luck, mine and not theirs. But you’re fighting to make them free, and to make a galaxy that will help them do that, unlike the one we have now. Wouldn’t those who are captive now do the same, if they could? You’re doing what you can to get them the choice.”

Edited 2018-04-14 20:45 (UTC)

Hera stays quiet for a moment after that, eyes still closed, maybe to give his words some space. She doesn't mean to contradict him, to argue with him. To try to force her own doubts on him. But now that they've started this -

She opens her eyes. "I'm fighting the Empire. And I know that's what I have to do now. But - this isn't about the Empire."

Or, it's not just them.

“It isn’t,” Kanan and agrees, “because all of this was in place long before the Empire, I know. It’s one of the things the Order should have been ashamed of, and weren’t. They failed you, and a lot of other people, besides. But if we can take down the Empire, build something better — the slavers will have fewer places to run, fewer places to hide, and with a government that gives a damn . . . “

It’s something to hope for, but it’s not a certainty.

“That’s what I think, anyway. It’s part of why I’m here.”

After a few seconds, Hera nods.

"All right," she murmurs. "This - this is helping."

“All right,” Kanan echoes. He’s not about to start second-guessing her statement, but he’s also not sure where to go from here.

“That’s . . . good.”

Edited 2018-04-15 00:46 (UTC)

She flicks a glance at him, a little longer this time.

"Most people - if they don't think the Hutts and the Zygerrians had the right idea - pity us. Feel sorry for us."

Poor Twi'leks and their savage planet. "No one takes responsibility for it."

“Taking responsibility would mean admitting they could help change it. Every little bit . . . And no one wants to stick their neck out like that. But pity — not in a million years, Hera.”

She’s amazing! Uh. Twi’leks are amazing!

“Not just because Master Secura would find a way to come back from the dead and kick my ass, either.”

But a little bit that, probably. Hero-worship never really dies.

Hera lets out a breath, her stance (and her lekku) relaxing slightly.

Still, she says, "Don't put me in that position again, Kanan."

“I won’t, Hera. I promise.”

Kanan doesn’t look away from her at all, because it’s a promise, and because he intends to keep it, come Imperial hell and high water.

“Never.”

"And apologize to Chopper."

She looks back to him, keeping her eyes on him now. "I wasn't the only member of this crew sold today."

Kanan winces, shoulders hunching at that palpable hit.

“Right away, Hera. I was way out of line.”

Just as she'd thought, it doesn't make her feel better to see him wince. But she owed Chopper that.

More quietly, "It's not just an old fear, Kanan. It's my worst fear. Do you understand that?"

“I do understand that,” Kanan says, just as quietly. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

And when he reopens them —

“I won’t make that mistake again — or any one like it.”

Hera believes him.

But they've also come this far. Maybe it's better to make things as plain as possible.

"It's like the Empire." She still watches him as she speaks. "I may die under a slaver's hand. But I won't live under it."

Kanan looks back at her, gaze level and open. Some things you don’t flinch from.

“I wouldn’t expect you to.”