notallofus | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Kanan doesn't join Hera in the cockpit as she makes the jump to hyperspace. He mutters something about checking on the Phantom, he makes little effort to focus on the maintenance calculations, and before he knows it Chopper is shooing him away, leaving him to wander back to the lounge.

He takes a seat by the Dejarik board, leaning forward and resting his palms on his knees. His mind goes, unbidden, to his old breathing exercises - the enveloping silence of space, his eyes set, unfocused, on the metal floor, and their cool, familiar voices rush back to him, even as he tries to push them away. Kanan feels like a thirsty man refusing a drink of water, a strange feeling, since for so long pushing it away, ignoring it, had come so easily. There had seemed to be a mutual apathy.

But it didn't feel so apathetic anymore.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"That's funny, he hasn't stopped complaining about me to me."

Then again, if it's true, that's something like an honor.

"But I swear, the location of your secret caf panel dies with me."

"You're welcome to use it to hide something that's not caf."

Hera smirks over her shoulder at him, just for a moment.

"As long as you don't mind me knowing your vices."

Speaking of vices --

"If Chopper ever does stop complaining about you to you, you'll know someone's messed with his programming."

It's a sign of the end times.

"I think you're probably going to know about a lot of my vices."

That... might have sounded better in his head?

Please just give him caf now.

Did he just --

Right, nothing on the face, Syndulla. Just start making the caf.

"I plan to keep mine from you, at least until Chop starts complaining to you about me."

Please never do that, Chop. Please.

"Which should be the tenth of never, so I'm fine."

And now, of course, all of her focus is on not spilling the cups of caf as she hands one to Kanan and then makes her way back to the lounge. And the chairs in the lounge.

Edited 2017-04-14 14:31 (UTC)

Perfectly happy to let that pass, he stays quiet as she finishes making the caf, though he doesn't sit down until she does.

He drinks a little, then stares down at his cup, tapping the edge with his finger.

"So," he says, eventually. "The delivery."

"That was when you first -- "

Hera takes her own swallow of caf, because it's delicious and also because it's grounding.

" -- felt something?"

"I don't think so."

He knows that's not helpful. But he knows he's rusty at looking inward, and it isn't easy to distinguish a normal level of wariness, and something else.

"It was when we were... getting ready for the mine."

"During? Or just before?"

Her brow furrows, and she fiddles with her cup a little.

"I'm not entirely sure how to ask about this."

"I'm not entirely sure how to explain it."

He tries a brief smile, but it fades quickly.

"When we were getting ready, I was putting on that helmet and I..."

Kanan closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.

"It was like hearing something in the distance, when you're not even sure you're really hearing it."

"Huh."

She absorbs that for a few moments, teeth digging into her lower lip absentmindedly.

"An imperfect analogy, I'm guessing? But it's something to go on with, so -- go on."

"Well, it was pretty loud in there."

He stops tapping on his cup. His eyes open, and takes another sip of the caf.

"I mean, actually loud, and - whenever you're somewhere like that, so many beings together -"

So much life, stacked together like miners' bunks on Gorse, like Clone transports, like Coruscant.

"But yes, you're right, as we went on, it was clearer. Something that... made me want to stop."

"Wait," Hera says, sitting up a little straighter.

"Is every time we go into a city or another population-dense zone terrible for you?"

Kanan shakes his head.

"I can choose to listen. But if I do..."

He sets his cup down on the Dejarik table, laying his hands down flat on either side. "When I was training, I learned to make sense of the noise, hear what I needed to. But I've gotten... rusty."

"Are there ways to build up your tolerance between missions? I know we spend a lot of time on the Ghost, but if heading planet or moon-wards would help more -- "

She's willing to do what's necessary. If they can swing it, anyway.

"It's more about listening to the Force."

He takes another deep breath in, then out.

"I guess if you ignore for long enough, it becomes more like a stranger."

"Does that mean you need to start all the way back at making introductions?"

This may be a longer haul than either of them were hoping. So it goes.

"Or is the best way to practice all of this just to do it?"

"Well, there aren't any Jedi Masters around anymore, so I'll have to hope practice will do it."

It's harsh, much more so than he means it to be. He regrets it at once, closing his eyes again.

"Hera, I -"

"No," she says, interrupting him, all captain and resistance operative in the moment, pushing aside any hurt -- on both sides -- to focus on what needs doing. "You're right."

A breath.

"We'll have to hope for that, but I think you can do it. The first Jedi had to start learning somewhere, after all. I'd just like to help where I can, even if 'where I can' isn't very much at all."

He nods, but he still sees no easy answer for that. All he can think to offer is -

"Let's keep talking through it."

"All right."

She takes another, much longer, swallow of caf, just to give each of them a moment.

"So you were saying, about hearing something as you were putting the helmet on."

"And I ignored it," he concedes.

"And I shouldn't have."

Hera nods, because that's exactly why they're having this conversation in the first place.

"What were the other options? Given where we were, and that we'd already started the operation."

"We had some space to talk there," he says.

"We might not always."

"No, we might not. Should we come up with a set of signs for those cases?"

To some it might seem silly, but --

"Or is that -- too much effort for too little result, do you think."

"I don't think it would hurt."

And it's not something they need to decide on right now.

"But either way, you might not always want to call off a mission because I have a feeling."