notallofus | (no subject)

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Kanan doesn't join Hera in the cockpit as she makes the jump to hyperspace. He mutters something about checking on the Phantom, he makes little effort to focus on the maintenance calculations, and before he knows it Chopper is shooing him away, leaving him to wander back to the lounge.

He takes a seat by the Dejarik board, leaning forward and resting his palms on his knees. His mind goes, unbidden, to his old breathing exercises - the enveloping silence of space, his eyes set, unfocused, on the metal floor, and their cool, familiar voices rush back to him, even as he tries to push them away. Kanan feels like a thirsty man refusing a drink of water, a strange feeling, since for so long pushing it away, ignoring it, had come so easily. There had seemed to be a mutual apathy.

But it didn't feel so apathetic anymore.

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"And I ignored it," he concedes.

"And I shouldn't have."

Hera nods, because that's exactly why they're having this conversation in the first place.

"What were the other options? Given where we were, and that we'd already started the operation."

"We had some space to talk there," he says.

"We might not always."

"No, we might not. Should we come up with a set of signs for those cases?"

To some it might seem silly, but --

"Or is that -- too much effort for too little result, do you think."

"I don't think it would hurt."

And it's not something they need to decide on right now.

"But either way, you might not always want to call off a mission because I have a feeling."

"You're right, and I most likely won't. But every bit of information we can wring out during a mission -- as long as its not something we use to fuel paranoia -- could potential make things run more smoothly. Or insure that we get out at all."

Her mouth quirks at one corner, though nothing about the smile reaches her eyes.

"And in the absence of any of that, maybe just knowing that if you do have a feeling, we'll be able to talk about it, will help us keep both our heads on the job."

"All right."

Kanan's quiet for another moment, still looking down toward his cup.

"You need to know, even if I can... get better, these things weren't always clear."

He leans back against the seat. "I might have known to stop. But not the reason, not what got us caught."

"It will be a balance, I'm sure, between inspired caution and oversensitivity, I know. But most things are, and I think we'll get better at juggling our options as we go. We have so far."

It's only the truth.

She finishes off the last of her caf and sets the cup on the ground, down by her feet.

"It's all any of us can do, you've just got an extra spanner in your toolbox, is all."

At least that's how Hera plans on looking at it.

Also an imperfect analogy, but Kanan chooses not to comment on it.

"Then..." he says, "let's talk about how we got out."

That's the fate of most analogies, alas. So it, too, goes.

"Yes. Let's."

Those stormtroopers would have been a lot harder to deal with, for one. But --

"I think -"

No. This is something he's certain of. "I hesitated. Most people can still recognize that."

"It makes sense. I'm glad you used it this time, but I see your point."

Hmm.

"Do you think they'll make a report to their superiors? Should we avoid this sector for a while, to make sure they can't find us?"

Edited 2017-04-15 15:01 (UTC)

"If it worked, they won't know what happened."

And since they're alive, he's pretty confident it did. "But Nasdra would have, if you hadn't pulled him away."

A faint thread of tension running through Hera's shoulders collapses, relieved.

"I hoped that would help, but I wasn't absolutely certain. Good to know."

And for future reference, as well.

"But I'm sure all future circumstances won't make that sort of distraction easy."

"We can't plan for 'all future circumstances.'"

He shrugs. "But I can't hesitate next time."

"That would probably be best. And if I know it's coming, or likely to come, I can do my best to keep anyone but the people you're working on from noticing."

It's something.

She'll take it.

"Hopefully we'll manage to keep ourselves out of trouble that calls for it as much as possible, but -- "

Who knows.

Kanan looks back to her.

"We picked the wrong line of work for keeping ourselves out of trouble."

He'd spent years trying to do exactly that, but he knew, when he left with Hera, he couldn't expect that anymore.

"Not all trouble."

That would be ridiculous. And impossible, because Kanan is completely correct in his assessment.

"Just some of it. Sometimes. When the occasion calls for it."

She grins, then, though her gaze remains serious -- and perhaps a little affectionate.

"Speaking of calling, I'd better go back and check on Chop before he decides to get really cranky."

"Right. I'll, um -"

His gaze turns back to the table, and then the holocron still resting on the other side.

Hera rests her hand on his shoulder for a second, on her way out of the lounge.

Sometimes words are just awkward.

Kanan listens to her footsteps as Hera leaves. He's still watching the holocron, which for the moment remains dark, and silent.

After a few minutes, he rises from the seat, picks up the holocron, and heads back toward his room.

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