Talking about Mustafar

[notallofus]

It's always hard when a mission goes wrong. Even when it ends up in achieving the objective, the panic at one of his own being taken, of knowing they'll be interrogated at the end of the journey, the fear --

Kanan takes a deep breath, leaning back on his hands to watch the stars. Somewhere out there are all the places he has ever been, and all the places he's never wanted to go.

Especially one. They would have taken Caleb there if they caught him, or maybe he hadn't known enough, which . . .

The Ithorians the stormtroopers took off the street today wouldn't have known anything, either. Kanan's not sure this means they'll ever let them go. The Empire isn't really known for its mercy, not even locally.

Maybe he'll try meditating, see if he can stop focusing on the things he can't change.






Yeah, right.

Comments

[for_everyone]

"It's just a little more -"

Chopper grumbles, waving his arms impatiently as Hera rubs a cloth into his plating, scrubbing away as much of the carbon residue as she can. What he really needs is a new paint job, but Hera doubts she'll get to that any time soon. She pauses for a moment, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand, and Chopper blats even more. "All right, all right," she mutters.

A few minutes later, she's done all she thinks she can. Chop does, at least, looks less like he rolled right out of a blaster fight. Hera rises to her feet, and the droid wheels back.

"How's your sensor array?" Chop blats again, already heading for the doors. Hera just shakes her head. "Okay, but we won't be making another stop for a while."

The doors slide closed behind him. Hera steps forward, next to Kanan, and collapses into the pilot's chair. She sets the cloth aside on the console, and leans over, resting her head in her hands.

[notallofus]

Kanan exhales, eyes closing even as he keeps his head tilted up.

"So that . . . went. We're sure there's nothing we can do for the Ithorians? Except stay gone and hope the Empire lets them go when there's nothing more to try to figure out?"

[for_everyone]

Hera doesn't answer at first. She takes a few deep breaths, her face still in her hands. And then, she shifts, moving her hands so that they cup her forehead.

"If we could get Chop to an Imperial dataport," she says, slowly, "He could search for where they were taken."

But even as she says it, she knows trying something like that with just two of them would be impossible. And not even the usual sort of impossible.

[notallofus]

"Yeah, and then we could get caught trying to get to them, which would make the Empire crack down even more, and . . . . this is the part of the job I hate, you know."

He looks over at Hera, opening his eyes and pasting on the faint remnant of a smile.

"I know you know."

And he knows she feels the same.

"I just -- today seems to be a day where I want to say it out loud."

[for_everyone]

"One of the tactics of a tyrant is to use your limitations to make you feel powerless."

She recites it, like an old lesson. And she knows it's true, that she can't help everyone, all the time, but that doesn't mean she can't help anyone.

But it's a tactic that works well on her, much more than threats or fear ever could.

[notallofus]

"Some tactic."

He takes another breath, for a three count, and exhales for just as long.

"They even succeeded in making the Jedi feel powerless, after. It's why there was never any organization of the tattered remnants. I looked, you know. Even before you found me, I looked."

[for_everyone]

Hera also takes a deep breath, and lifts herself up, moving her hands to quickly wipe the sides of her face as she does. She leans back in her seat, looking over to Kanan.

"Did you find anything?"

[notallofus]

Kanan doesn't miss the motion of her hands along her face, and he can guess what that means. He's still a little stuck inside himself, though, and he really isn't going to be any good to her until he gets this out.

(At least that's what he tells himself.)

"I did. Only where they'd been, never where they were, and so many of them ended in the same place. I wasn't about to go there."

He shivers, but whether it's because of memory or some kind of presentiment . . . he's not sure.

[for_everyone]

She nearly reaches out, across the empty space, to him. She wants to. But something tells her that if she does so now, she doesn't know where it will stop.

And so, for the moment, she folds her hands in her lap.

"But you know where it was?"

[notallofus]

He's quiet for a minute, staring up at the stars. But when his gaze meets hers again, and holds --

"I do. It's a lovely little lava planet called Mustafar."

His mouth is pinched, its edges gone white with blood loss.

"It's where Jedi go to die. Interrogation, re-education, torture for the sake of it. They never come out. It's where every trail ended. So I got lost again. It seemed safer, at the time."

[for_everyone]

"I'm sure it was."

Hera can't see what one person, even one Jedi, could do to take on a place like that. She can't see what the two of them could do now.

But that's not reassuring. It's demoralizing. It makes her feel helpless again, to have places out there where what's left of you is being destroyed, and have no way to stop it. She knows what the Empire is doing on Ryloth, had grown up hearing about the Separatists, about Zygerria and Nal Hutta.

She doesn't look away from him.

"And I'm glad you stayed safe, Kanan. Because I need you now."

[notallofus]

"I think I don't tell you enough," Kanan says, leaning forward to rest his hand on her knee.

"How glad I am that you found me. How much I missed having a purpose besides running."

It isn't the same as who Caleb would have been, but maybe it's better.

"I'm always going to be at your side, you know, striving to save as much of the galaxy as we can."

[for_everyone]

Hera lowers her eyes, and then shifts, covering his hand in both of hers.

"I know how you feel."

[notallofus]

For a second Kanan can feel his own heartbeat in the back of his throat.

Does she? Does that mean --

His voice is remarkably calm, largely by way of being soft, as he brings his free hand up to land on top of hers.

"I'm glad."

[for_everyone]

Hera curls her hands around his. But her eyes stay down, and after a few seconds, she closes them, and shakes her head.

"Kanan -"

(Still, her hands stay tight around his.)

[notallofus]

He holds on just as tightly.

But --

"I know, Hera."

[for_everyone]

"I -"

She takes another deep breath, her eyes fluttering closed again.

"If things were - different -"

[notallofus]

His fingers tighten around hers, then release just as quickly.

"If things were different, we'd be different."

And oh, in this moment, how he wishes things were.

But they're not.

"Maybe we'll get lucky. Eventually."

His expression slips, briefly, into horrified. His mouth, what has it done?

"Not like that. I meant -- "

[for_everyone]

Hera puts her face in her hands again, though at least for different reasons this time.

"Oh, Kanan -"

She shakes her head again, and turns in her seat, lowering her hands and leaning forward to look over the ship's controls.

"How you and your mouth survived for so long, I'll never know."

[notallofus]

Is it relief he feels, now that the moment is broken?

(No.)

He sits back, still feeling the ghost of her touch on his hands. It is going to linger for quite some time. He can tell.

"I told you, I did a lot of running. And I was cuter as a kid. That probably helped."

[for_everyone]

"It probably didn't hurt."

It's a quick, easy answer. But Hera feels none of it. There's no relief for her, either. Though her movements are smooth, her limbs feel rattled. She's not sure she could even stand from the pilot's chair now.

And yet, she puts on a smile. "But it's good I found you when I did."

[notallofus]

He smiles back, scrubbing one hand over his face.

It's what there is to do.

"Tell me about it."

[for_everyone]

Hera lets the silence linger. Until her breathing is easy, her heart isn't drumming in her ears, and she's confident that if she were to try standing, she wouldn't stumble immediately.

Then, "I can reach out to some contacts."

She flicks a few switches on the console, and then leans back again, looking over to Kanan. There's no smile now. "Maybe find someone who can keep an eye out for the Ithorians."

[notallofus]

"I . . . "

He trails off, meeting Hera's eyes for a long moment.

"If you can, it's worth it to try."

If they don't try, who are they? What keeps them from turning into the Empire?

(Is this where the Jedi started making mistakes, caring so much for the many that they forgot about the few?)

[for_everyone]

"It is," she agrees.

Her voice is soft, then. But it grows as she adds, "I'll start after we get refueled."

[notallofus]

Kanan shakes his head a little, moving to stand.

"Then I guess I'd better get moving on that."

He rests his hand on her shoulder just before he leaves.

"Thanks."

[for_everyone]

Hera lifts her hand, covering his and pressing her fingers into his palm for just a few seconds.

"Always."

And then, she releases him again.

[notallofus]

"Always," he echoes, then really does leave to handle the refueling.

He's going to hold her to that. And himself, too.