notallofus | (no subject)

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There's a lot to think about on the walk back from finishing the deal with Vizago: plans to free the Wookies, how they're going to be able to eke out the most resupply from their halved reward of credits, and . . . the kid.

Kanan scrubs his hand through his hair as soon as the thought crosses his mind, wishing desperately that this problem could have happened to someone else, but --

He also doesn't. Which is why he turns to look at Hera, hoping that doing that will let the words actually come.

Or convince her to drag them out of him.

Kanan's gotten out of the habit of carrying every burden alone.

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Hera's looking out over the horizon, judging the cloud cover, the amount of daylight they likely have left. The likelihood they'd hit an Imperial patrol on their way off of Lothal. The silhouette of Tarkintown in the distance.

She turns as she feels his eyes on her, gives him a small smile. "So, are we going to talk about it now?"

Kanan cracks a slight, pained smile.

"If I say no, I know I'm just delaying the inevitable. So, yeah. We probably should."

"Well..."

Hera lets it trail off, turning forward again, as their steps beat into the high grass.

"I'm not in your head, Kanan. But I can tell something about this kid has -" She takes a deep breath, trying to think of the right word. "- affected you, somehow."

Kanan runs his fingers through the grass, torn between centering himself in the Force and focusing down on the here and now so tightly that he doesn't have to feel it at all.

"Affected is . . . I can feel him, Hera. In the Force. It's -- there's something there."

"All right."

Hera folds her arms, considering his words, and what she needs to say next.

"What does that mean, Kanan? Are you saying he's..." A Force-user? A Jedi? Someone who could have become a Jedi?

"... like you?"

"No."

The response is immediate, the negation born more out of wishful thinking and an old, instinctive terror rather than real fact.

He takes a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose very briefly. Caleb Dume is dead and gone, and Kanan Jarrus is in control of his own life. He's safe. Well . . . as safe as anyone can really be, in this day and age. But the kid, Ezra --

"I mean . . . no, he's not any of that. Not yet. But he could be. I think he could be. I never learned this, there wasn't time, I was still a pad -- a child. But it feels, he feels . . . familiar."

What do we do about this? is the first question in her mind. But she doesn't ask this. She knows it won't help, knows what his first reaction will be.

Hera watches him. Her stance loosens, and reaches over, stopping short long enough to see if he moves away, and then placing her hand on his arm. It's just a few seconds, until she asks -

"What happens if he is, and the Empire finds him?"

Kanan can't help his full-body flinch. For a moment he feels like he's going to be sick.

"Nothing good. For him or for us."

The Dark is sweet, like overripe fruit and the hard kind of drug.

Hera looks ahead again, now able to see the outline of the Ghost in the distance.

"Then..."

She turns it over in her mind, again and again. What she knows of the Jedi comes from Kanan, the only others she ever saw were the few that came to Ryloth during the Clone Wars. She hadn't considered with the Empire must being doing to prevent the Jedi from returning, what must be happening across the galaxy to anyone who could become one. And what could they do for him? He's a kid (not just a kid - Hera knows there's no such thing in times like this, and yet), who should have a family, who didn't seem to want to leave Lothal -

"... can you -" She's not even sure how to phrase it. "- is there a way you can know for sure? Without telling him who you are?"

Edited 2017-10-09 03:51 (UTC)

"Without showing him . . . "

Kanan trails off, face creasing with tension as he carefully uncaps the memories he tries so hard not to think of, and tries to remember anything that could help. Testing for talents, how their first weeks of training went, what they could and couldn't . . .

Trust the Force

His eyes snap back open, and he rubs his forehead for a second.

"I -- maybe. Some of my things . . . I have an old teaching tool. A holocron. Only someone in touch with the Force can open it, can use it. So . . . "

"So if he could open it..."

She recalls the holocron, the small box spinning in the air above Kanan's hand, blue light pulsing within it.

"Would he... even know to try?"

There's a moment of silence in Kanan's head, so strong he has to blink to clear his vision.

"I think . . . "

His voice trails off, and he reaches up to rub at his face again. When he turns back to Hera his eyes are clear, though he's still frowning heavily.

"I think, if he can open it -- "

If he's meant to open it.

" -- it'll call him. So the first test is finding it at all. It's the only way I can think of not to be obvious about all the things we don't usually talk about."

Edited 2017-10-09 20:45 (UTC)

"Then he will or he won't. There's nothing more we can do."

Knowing what to do next always comes first. But she looks back up to Kanan.

"But if he does?"

"If he does . . . "

Kanan swallows. Hard.

"I don't know."

Edited 2017-10-09 21:19 (UTC)

"We'd have to tell him."

Hera's speaking slowly, an edge of anticipation in her voice. She has the feeling of pacing along the edge of a steep hill before stepping down it.

"He'd need to be warned if the Empire could be looking for him. Maybe if he knew, he and whoever else could -"

She stops, already hearing the doubt in her voice, knowing Kanan will hear it, too. Shaking her head, Hera tries to clear her head of what she wants to say, and focus on what she needs to.

"Kanan." Her voice is quieter now. "I think he needs your help."

Kanan scoffs, he can't help it, shoulders hunching into a defensive posture for a brief second.

"What? No. I can't even . . . what good would I be to him? I don't know how to teach, and it would just make him a target. Plus we're always on the move, so . . . it just wouldn't work."

Would it? Should it? It just feels . . . dangerous. So, so damn dangerous.

"This morning he was stealing from the Empire and jumped ten meters in the air with a crate."

She looks to him, her gaze steady. "How long do you think he'll stay off their radar? He's probably already on it."

"If he goes back to a quiet life here, on Lothal -- "

The words burst out of Kanan like he's been holding them back for quite some time. His vehemence fades sharply at the end, though, because he's not that delusional.

"No. He won't, will he? I'm not sure he can. But what can we -- he's not going to be any safer with us. My secret's going to get out eventually, and with two of us . . . "

Hera lets out a breath.

"I don't know, Kanan. And I don't know what he wants. But it's a risk for all of us, working together like this. And -"

Her eyes flicker away, but then back to him. "- I know we're stronger together than we would be alone. And maybe that's what he needs."

Kanan exhales, too.

"Maybe. But if it's not what he wants . . . or if he doesn't pass the tests . . . "

He can feel, though, that this is not a really likely course of events. And even then, leaving Ezra to be caught by the Empire isn't really an option.

"Plus, you know me. I'd be a terrible teacher."

"I think you might surprise yourself, dear."

Now, she reaches for him again. "And it might be something you need."

Before she can touch him, however, there's a beep from her comm. Hera sighs, instead reaching to her hip to answer it.

"I'm here, Spectre-3."

Something he needs?

Kanan is almost grateful that Chop's contacting Hera, even if it also doubtless means that something has gone horribly wrong back on the Ghost and they might all be in a lot of trouble.

Thinking about what he needs as a . . . thinking about what he might need is a lot harder than thinking about what the kid might need.

So he takes a breath, and turns to Hera to see what kind of trouble is coming their way now.

"Is that right?"

She glances at Kanan, eyebrows raised. "No, just keep an eye on him. We're almost there."

Hera lowers the comm, snapping it back to her hip. "Chopper says someone broke into your cabin."

He's not sure if it's just tension snapping, or if it's real relief that loosens up his shoulders.

Maybe it's nausea.

"Well. Guess chances are good he's going to pass the first test, then, huh? Though -- "

He picks up his pace back toward the ship.

" -- maybe we don't want to find out what he'll do with a lightsaber just yet, huh?"

"Probably not," Hera agrees, keeping up alongside him.

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